TOUCH DOWN A FEW MINUTES AGO: Newcastle knights Star fullback Kalyn Ponga Has Been Banded from sports Activities by (NRL) Officials After He Tested Positive for……. VIEW MORE

According to the imaginary NRL Integrity Unit, Ponga’s “dangerously high levels of positivity, high-fiving, and general good vibes” exceeded the allowable limit set in this completely made-up storyline.

“We simply can’t have players running around smiling this much,” an entirely fictional NRL spokesperson said. “It sets unrealistic expectations for the rest of us.”

Witnesses from this alternate-reality testing facility claim Ponga’s results spiked after he was handed a complimentary chocolate milk, causing what officials referred to as an “uncontrolled happiness surge.”

Analysts in this fantasy world say the ban is temporary and could be lifted once Ponga successfully completes a mandatory Serious Facial Expression Training Camp, where players learn how to nod grimly at the camera during press conferences.

For now, fans across this fictional universe await updates as the Knights prepare to appeal the ruling on the grounds that “being happy shouldn’t be a crime.”