TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Tampa Bay Lightning Star right wing Nikita Kucherov Has Been Banded from sports Activities by (NHL) Officials After He Tested Positive for……. VIEW MORE
Sources close to the situation say the results came shortly after Kucherov was seen on the team plane chugging what witnesses described as “a mug the size of a small bucket” moments before touchdown.
“It was alarming,” claimed one anonymous teammate in this completely made-up scenario. “He drank so much coffee the puck started vibrating on its own.”
League representatives, who exist only for the purposes of this parody, issued a brief statement reading:
“The NHL takes caffeine-related enthusiasm extremely seriously.”
While fans panicked online, the Lightning organization remained calm, noting that Kucherov is expected to appeal the decision once he finishes his 14th espresso and stops speaking in cursive.
