BREAKING NEWS: Geelong Cats React in Shock as Head Coach Chris Scott Makes Surprising Decision Announcing that Midfielder Max Holmes Has Been Made the New… (FULL STORY BELOW)

GEELONG — In a press conference that left reporters blinking, players speechless, and club staff checking the calendar to confirm it wasn’t April Fool’s Day, Geelong Cats head coach Chris Scott stunned the AFL world this morning with a bombshell announcement about rising star Max Holmes.

After a dramatic pause that lasted long enough for several journalists to refresh their social feeds, Scott declared:

“Effective immediately, Max Holmes has been appointed the new… Team Speed Enforcement Officer.”

The room erupted—some laughed, some gasped, and one assistant coach allegedly whispered, “Oh thank god, I thought he was making him captain.”

HOLMES’ NEW ROLE, EXPLAINED (SORT OF)

According to Scott, the decision came after weeks of internal debate, scientific testing, and what he called “pure observational terror” every time Holmes hit top gear at training.

Holmes will now be responsible for:

• Monitoring teammates who attempt to run faster than him
• Issuing “pace warnings” to offenders
• Demonstrating what Scott referred to as “appropriate levels of respectful sprinting”
• Leading warm-ups while strictly forbidding anyone from overtaking him

When asked whether this was an official AFL-recognised position, Scott responded:

“Not yet. But it will be once they see how quickly Max fills out paperwork.”

PLAYER REACTION: MIXED AND MILDLY FRIGHTENED

Teammates reportedly responded with a combination of support and confusion.

Captain Patrick Dangerfield was overheard saying:

“Look, I support Max in any role. But if he starts handing out speeding fines at training, I’m contesting them.”

Meanwhile, veteran Tom Hawkins simply nodded and replied:

“Honestly, he already polices the running anyway.”

HOLMES: HUMBLED, FAST

Holmes appeared genuinely moved by the appointment, telling reporters:

“It’s an honour. I love this club, I love this team, and I love being the fastest person here. This role really aligns with my values.”

He then sprinted away from the podium before anyone could ask a follow-up question.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE CATS

Analysts are divided. Some say the move will boost training discipline. Others claim it’s an elaborate inside joke that accidentally escaped the Geelong group chat