TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Tampa Bay Lightning Star right wing Nikita Kucherov Has Been Banded from sports Activities by (NHL) Officials After He Tested Positive for……. VIEW MORE
TAMPA, FL — In a stunning and absolutely unprecedented turn of events that definitely did not actually happen, NHL officials have reportedly “banned” Tampa Bay Lightning superstar right winger Nikita Kucherov after he allegedly tested positive for—according to early, unconfirmed, and entirely fictional reports—dangerously high caffeine levels. Sources close to the situation say the results…